Can i have a red Re-Start button please?!

Okay, it has been awhile since i posted anything new. So much has happened. I have decided to share my struggles. Ya never know who may share a similar experience and might find comfort just knowing life didn’t just dick them around. I had been doing pretty good with my exercising. I was pretty proud. However i was starting to feel so awful. I was getting dizzy, sick, headaches and just soooo tired. As it turns out i was pregnant. We were pretty darn excited. I stopped the workouts since i was feeling so crummy. I figured since i lost the last pregnancy, i would wait for the docs go ahead and find a less brutal program. I made it to the end of my first trimester and lost the baby. (this isn’t for debate. IDGAF if YOU consider it a baby at that point or not). My body was not so fast to get with the program so i had to have a DnC. Lucky me, i developed pneumonia from the surgery. That was the start of OCT, yep it is nearly Thanksgiving and i a a wee bit better but still sick. I also managed 2 stomach bugs in that time. The emotional part has started to be much better, the physical part is still lacking. It hurts my lungs to breath to deeply or be in cold air. I also get winded much easier. Learning to be kind to myself through all this mess has been an experience. This ordeal caused me to drop 6 classes from my course load, which puts graduation back an entire semester. I think it is important to really spend a lil time talking about the emotional side of having a miscarriage. This is my 4th pregnancy and 2nd miscarriage. The first was at around the same 12 week mark. When you have nearly 3 mos of your body shifting and changing and then bam it stops… it is an intense and crazy feeling. We had told both of our kids, they were excited… We had picked out names, already including the “baby” in our plans and conversations, even buying a few random unisex items we came across. It was all ended so fast. There was a sense of loss and it ran pretty deep. I was disappointed and so very sad. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but even knowing that, it didn’t change how i felt. It didn’t make telling my children any easier, it won’t erase the sorrow i heard in my partners voice when i had to explain the doctor could not find a heartbeat that had probably been there a day earlier based on blood work and ultrasound measurements. I waded through sorrow like a deep murky pool of nothingness. While there i visited other emotions, the most powerful and shocking was my anger…. at times a rage. Anything i saw related to babies made me beyond angry. Removing myself from all the “expecting and baby development” emails i received… the fact that people around me just went on with their lives pissed me off. I was even enraged when i found out my best friend was expecting and there was the possibility of discontinuing the pregnancy by choice. (I am pro-choice and IDGAF if you are or aren’t). I didn’t want to hear about her and her pregnancy, at least the angry part of me didn’t. I had to make a choice though, i couldn’t stay jaded and bitter, my best friend need me and i think ultimately, her pregnancy has saved me. Maybe in the future i will be blessed with another child, who knows. I will hopefully be breathing better soon so my big butt can get back to workouts with Jillian. ¬†Until then i will keep working on healing my wounds and mending the lil hole in my heart this experience has left.

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