motivation is hiding

Ugh. I have had the hardest time getting motivated. I know i have been fighting some depression from the loss I am still feeling. My lungs are still feeling puney. ****big sigh*** I am pretty much rolling in self pity, which makes me even more angry and resentful. Tonight I saw a photo of myself from this past weekend. It was taken at the annual family Christmas party. There is no sugar coating it, I am freaking huge and fat. Plain and simple. I am so embarrassed. The crazy thing is for many years my ex would tell me I was bigger in my mind than I am in real life. That has flipped around. I really am bigger than I had convinced myself I was. I feel bad for my kids and my partner. Something has to be done. I have gone walking a bit, trying to help my lungs feel better, but not enough. I have to get back to it. idk what to even say. At this moment, my shame is far to powerful and it is late. To bed for me. 

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