Happy New Year

I have never really played into the whole New Years thing, as an adult. Until this year, of course. Last year will not be missed, at least from June on. I cannot say it was the worst year of my life. I know that really there are so many other people who had it much worse. Of course our trauma, hurt, fear, disappointment, anger, saddness, emptiness, and sorrow are completely our own, so to ourselves it matters most but to others it slightly does.  I also see that I have been through other situations where i didn’t know if i could keep it together past the next breath. I just feel like something is lurking around the corner. So I am refocusing to actually list a few goals for the next year. I think the theme will be “SELF”. I believe I can grow a lot in this area. I just turned 36, I feel i am at my worst so there is room for improvement. I feel as though it is important to include many sorts of goals.:

 

  • drink more water
  • get a new hair style
  • possibly a great color too
  • schedule a day of pampering
  • Take a vitamin everyday
  • Do Not start smoking again
  • Buy and WEAR a fantastic red lipstick
  • Dress how i want to.
  • learn to feel good about myself.
  • Allow myself to be as boyish or girlie as i please.
  • rediscover a healthier and fit me
  • finally get my nose pierced
  • get my sleeve worked on
  • Stop allowing myself to be in the shadows, demand otherwise
  • regain lost stride, courage, resistance and oomph.

I know i will continue to add more… I am just at a turning point, i can feel it coming and i am going to grab this year by the balls and enjoy the ride.

hmm

As a child i danced for years. To say i loved dance is such a huge understatement. Tap, Ballet and Jazz are the 3 i studied. I was pulled out when my parents decided sending me to Catholic school was a better option. I never will understand this choice but whatev. Anyhoo, I believe whole heartedly that choice was the first step towards being over weight. That coupled with a move to Az, where we stayed in doors all the time due to the crazy heat. My whole point is that as a dancer you learn to really stretch your body. The past 2 days I have been working on a series of stretches to help get my body a bit more limber again. I didn’t realize how stiff and cramped up my body had been. I had been having hip and back trouble prior to this, I am noticing a difference already. Getting to know my body again has been a step for me too. I have just been hiding in denial and shame. I avoid seeing my reflection and changing that has been hard. If i wear shapeless big clothing I don’t have to pay attention to the size building larger and larger. . . Thoughts such as that one have ruined me… There are so many areas I am sitting at the bottom of the barrel with right now. I plan to help “feed” and nourish those areas. GRRRR learning to love myself and make the changes i need to has been such a struggle. I have done it before… i am trying to understand how all this has built up in twisted layers of history. Why am i so out of control? ? ? ? I know there are a few factors:…. Fear, this rules way too much. I am afraid to be thin because I am afraid people will only like me for my appearance, I am afraid I will not be taken seriously as a thin woman, Oddly, the over weight me is afraid to be around people because they will view me a a fat person or unattractive. I have been stuck in a cycle of self hate and depression for a long time. I tend to go back and forth. I recognize I have issues, who doesn’t? I think my relationships have always validated my fears. I have been cheated on in both of my long term relationships. I gained weight in both cases, they strayed and i was crushed. I haven’t really acknowledged these thoughts like this until now. I am seeing how mixed up it all is. Like i said, this is all part of the process of digging deep to the base of being over weight.

Bibbity Bobbity boobs.

I developed my chest at a young age. I have never really enjoyed having larger boobs. It is true. Even more so being over weight.One of the tasks i really loathe is having to go bra shopping. I freaking hate it. I do choose to buy my bras from a plus size clothing store. At least I know there are a few more options that are actually pretty. My semi annual bra shopping trip is coming in a few weeks. grrr.

Today I did a short Jillian Michaels ab workout. I know a lil step but it is still one. I am back to square one. My longs are finally healed enough that I feel well enough to start working out again. I will say a great inspiration for me recently was a visit from my sister, who i had not seen in about 4 years. The last time i had seen her in person she was at her heaviest. Since then she has lost about 90lbs! She looks amazing! We are built similar so it was an eye opener at what I could look like if i lost this pesky fat. I am so proud of her. I also have another friend from high school who has dropped a bunch over the past year, such inspiration. So I am back. I know i have zero readers right now but ya never know. This is going to be a hard battle that will have grumpy, weak, tired moments but i hope those disappear and are replaced with courage, happiness and pride.