hmm

As a child i danced for years. To say i loved dance is such a huge understatement. Tap, Ballet and Jazz are the 3 i studied. I was pulled out when my parents decided sending me to Catholic school was a better option. I never will understand this choice but whatev. Anyhoo, I believe whole heartedly that choice was the first step towards being over weight. That coupled with a move to Az, where we stayed in doors all the time due to the crazy heat. My whole point is that as a dancer you learn to really stretch your body. The past 2 days I have been working on a series of stretches to help get my body a bit more limber again. I didn’t realize how stiff and cramped up my body had been. I had been having hip and back trouble prior to this, I am noticing a difference already. Getting to know my body again has been a step for me too. I have just been hiding in denial and shame. I avoid seeing my reflection and changing that has been hard. If i wear shapeless big clothing I don’t have to pay attention to the size building larger and larger. . . Thoughts such as that one have ruined me… There are so many areas I am sitting at the bottom of the barrel with right now. I plan to help “feed” and nourish those areas. GRRRR learning to love myself and make the changes i need to has been such a struggle. I have done it before… i am trying to understand how all this has built up in twisted layers of history. Why am i so out of control? ? ? ? I know there are a few factors:…. Fear, this rules way too much. I am afraid to be thin because I am afraid people will only like me for my appearance, I am afraid I will not be taken seriously as a thin woman, Oddly, the over weight me is afraid to be around people because they will view me a a fat person or unattractive. I have been stuck in a cycle of self hate and depression for a long time. I tend to go back and forth. I recognize I have issues, who doesn’t? I think my relationships have always validated my fears. I have been cheated on in both of my long term relationships. I gained weight in both cases, they strayed and i was crushed. I haven’t really acknowledged these thoughts like this until now. I am seeing how mixed up it all is. Like i said, this is all part of the process of digging deep to the base of being over weight.

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